That Borderline Life – A 2 Year Update

Well well well here we are two years later, and I must say its been a ride. I say this in my update video, and I also say I wouldn’t trade it for anything because I wouldn’t be who I am without all the bullshit I had to go through.

June 20th, 2014 I was diagnosed with BPD, Depression, and Social Anxiety Disorder. At first I was anxious about all of this, how do I deal? What meds am I gonna take? I have to see a therapist? It was a lot of questions, not enough answers.

But after getting situated with a therapist and a psychologist I was on the right path. I saw a therapist up until September of last year. Case of the overbooked and understaffed. It’s fine, I’m good.

I now see my psychologist every 6 months for a med update, which is good. My meds have me stable, and I’m able to function, I can’t complain.

Do I still have my mood swings? ABSOLUTELY! Meds aren’t a cure. I have to do the work myself, and I think a lot of people dont realize this. You can take all the meds, see all the doctors, but if you don’t actually try to be better by researching, and figuring out self -care, you wont change.

When I was first diagnosed, I was obsessed with being cured. It wasn’t an unrealistic goal, but it drove me crazy, and made me worse. I took a step back, did some re-evaluating, and realized I just want to function. If that means thing meds unit he day I die, then so be it.

As I type this, I must say I am in a really good place mentally. My head is clear, I have good distractions, I’m productive, my relationships are good, and I’m energized. I cant ask for anything more.

My goal is just to stay on this path, and learn to deal with the mood swings as they come.

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Feeling Good? I Think So!

The past couple of days have been pretty good. My emotions have been steady so I can’t complain.

The last time I saw my psychologist, he upped my depression meds, and I think they’re finally kicking in and all I can say is

F I N A L L Y!!!!!

I am now at a place mentally where Im OK. I can take OK for now, its an improvement. Its one step at a time. I will get to GOOD another day, I can’t worry about that right now.

In other news I have started a blog for all of my planning stuff. Its Planning With Kristen I have a couple of posts up now if you want to check that out.

Now back to our regular scheduled programming. I’ve realized that I can’t make myself do something, when I think I should.

Let me explain…

Now I am a HUGE advocate for mental health (obviously) and I like to bring awareness on all social media platforms. But I’ve come to the conclusion that I can’t force this everyday. Just because I go a few days without mentioning it, doesn’t mean I’ve forgotten about it.

So with that said, I had got back in to the BPD chat every Sunday, but kind of fell off again and thats OK. Nothing will happen if I miss it. I’ll just talk about it when I’m ready. Because making myself have anxiety over it, isn’t a good thing.

I’m OK and thats fine 🙂

Its Ok Not To Be Ok

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I remember when I inserted that picture into a post last year, I had no words, so I didn’t put any.

Ive never had a celebrity death affect me, ever. Anytime one died, I always wondered why people took it so hard, I couldn’t understand it. Then Robins death happened and it felt like I had been punched in the stomach and had my heart ripped from me. Not just because of his death, but the cause of it.

If you’ve followed me for a long time then you know that last year I was in a mental health facility for trying to commit suicide. and that wasn’t long before his death.

But I don’t want to make this post about me. I want to talk about how serious depression is, and how it can take over your life, the the point of taking your life.

Depression isn’t just a “bad day” or a “bad moment” it is constant bad thoughts that never leave your mind. Its this constant stress that eats away at you mentally, and eventually physically. Depression is also a liar, it will tell you that people hate you, that you’re not worthy, and you don’t deserve to be here. And rather than deal with this, we would rather take our own life, because at the time it seems better than listening to the voices in our head

People often say “suicide is a permeant solution, to a temporary problem” but how temporary is the problem, when you’ve had this problem for 20+ years? Is it really temporary then? I know people don’t mean any harm by this but it feels like a slap in the face to those of us that suffer with it daily.

All I ask is if you are suffering, to talk to someone, if you know someone who is suffering than listen to them. Its ok not to be ok. Lets end this stigma of thinking that there is something wrong with being depressed, because theres nothing to be ashamed of.

Its so hard and its so real

If I could put the last few days into one word it would be

EXHAUSTED

With my grandmothers birthday, Robin Williams death, and some personal issues going on, I’m just about done.

Ive had two emotional breakdowns in two days, and I will most likely have one by the end of the week. It’s so hard, and it’s so real.

I’ve been feeling so low, the lowest I have ever felt, and I hate this feeling. It’s like being in wet cement and trying to run, my body is sluggish and I just want to sleep. But in reality I can’t, I have things to do on a daily basis, and I have to get through the day.

I was so disappointed, about these breakdowns, but with BDP and practicing DBT, I’m going to have set backs, its very common. I just have to be honest with myself and with my therapist the next time I see her.

It’s just been a rough week, and I need it to be over so I can breath, because right now I feel like I’m drowning

-Kristen