That Borderline Life – A 2 Year Update

Well well well here we are two years later, and I must say its been a ride. I say this in my update video, and I also say I wouldn’t trade it for anything because I wouldn’t be who I am without all the bullshit I had to go through.

June 20th, 2014 I was diagnosed with BPD, Depression, and Social Anxiety Disorder. At first I was anxious about all of this, how do I deal? What meds am I gonna take? I have to see a therapist? It was a lot of questions, not enough answers.

But after getting situated with a therapist and a psychologist I was on the right path. I saw a therapist up until September of last year. Case of the overbooked and understaffed. It’s fine, I’m good.

I now see my psychologist every 6 months for a med update, which is good. My meds have me stable, and I’m able to function, I can’t complain.

Do I still have my mood swings? ABSOLUTELY! Meds aren’t a cure. I have to do the work myself, and I think a lot of people dont realize this. You can take all the meds, see all the doctors, but if you don’t actually try to be better by researching, and figuring out self -care, you wont change.

When I was first diagnosed, I was obsessed with being cured. It wasn’t an unrealistic goal, but it drove me crazy, and made me worse. I took a step back, did some re-evaluating, and realized I just want to function. If that means thing meds unit he day I die, then so be it.

As I type this, I must say I am in a really good place mentally. My head is clear, I have good distractions, I’m productive, my relationships are good, and I’m energized. I cant ask for anything more.

My goal is just to stay on this path, and learn to deal with the mood swings as they come.

Feeling Good? I Think So!

The past couple of days have been pretty good. My emotions have been steady so I can’t complain.

The last time I saw my psychologist, he upped my depression meds, and I think they’re finally kicking in and all I can say is

F I N A L L Y!!!!!

I am now at a place mentally where Im OK. I can take OK for now, its an improvement. Its one step at a time. I will get to GOOD another day, I can’t worry about that right now.

In other news I have started a blog for all of my planning stuff. Its Planning With Kristen I have a couple of posts up now if you want to check that out.

Now back to our regular scheduled programming. I’ve realized that I can’t make myself do something, when I think I should.

Let me explain…

Now I am a HUGE advocate for mental health (obviously) and I like to bring awareness on all social media platforms. But I’ve come to the conclusion that I can’t force this everyday. Just because I go a few days without mentioning it, doesn’t mean I’ve forgotten about it.

So with that said, I had got back in to the BPD chat every Sunday, but kind of fell off again and thats OK. Nothing will happen if I miss it. I’ll just talk about it when I’m ready. Because making myself have anxiety over it, isn’t a good thing.

I’m OK and thats fine 🙂

Manic Monday

Today was the first day of school for my girls. I was more nervous than then so last night I didn’t sleep well.

My day started at about 6:00am and I was going about 100mph. I took born of my girls to school ran some errands and killed a little bit of time before my disability appointment.

I feel it went well my moods as of the last week or so have been very low and I was so low in my appointment. I was almost on the verge of tears for reasons I can’t explain.

After I came home and made my girls dinner. Now I’m sitting here feeling like I’m going to crash. I don’t like when I crash because I’m out of it for most of the day. This can’t happen now because of school. I just need to breathe and get though it

 

-Kristen

This week in #bpd

Having BPD is such a hard illness, it can literally take over your entire life. It has taken over mine and its pretty bad

This week was a pretty bad one, emotionally. I had 2 break downs, a lot of anger, yelling, suicidal thoughts, you name it I thought it. I haven’t been this low in a long time and it scares me, I really don’t know what to do.

Making youtube videos has become therapeutic for me, I get to talk to a camera about how my days have been, and I don’t have to worry about someone interrupting me to give an opinion. It feels nice.

I’ve also had some headaches, out of the blue. I haven’t had a headache in a while, but today, and last night they’re lingering, and its making me irrationally angry, which makes the headache worse. I dont want to talk to anyone, I just want to be left alone basically.

It’s a hard way to live, and I wouldn’t wish this on anyone. I just need this to be taken away from me, sooner rather than later

-Kristen

Its so hard and its so real

If I could put the last few days into one word it would be

EXHAUSTED

With my grandmothers birthday, Robin Williams death, and some personal issues going on, I’m just about done.

Ive had two emotional breakdowns in two days, and I will most likely have one by the end of the week. It’s so hard, and it’s so real.

I’ve been feeling so low, the lowest I have ever felt, and I hate this feeling. It’s like being in wet cement and trying to run, my body is sluggish and I just want to sleep. But in reality I can’t, I have things to do on a daily basis, and I have to get through the day.

I was so disappointed, about these breakdowns, but with BDP and practicing DBT, I’m going to have set backs, its very common. I just have to be honest with myself and with my therapist the next time I see her.

It’s just been a rough week, and I need it to be over so I can breath, because right now I feel like I’m drowning

-Kristen

Back to that place

My day has been all over the place as far as my emotions are concerned. I woke up not wanting to get out of bed. I eventually did, but felt very sad for no reason at all. I came down stairs and all of a sudden a burst of energy comes over me.

I love/hate when this happens for two reason

  1. I workout and clean and feel accomplished
  2. I crash like I’ve had 100 energy drinks

That’s exactly what happened. I took my meds but I could not shake this feeling, so I started thinking

“whats todays date?”

I remembered it was August 11th, and thought to myself 

“it passed…..my grandmothers birthday.

She would have ben 75 yesterday, August 10th. How could I forget? Ive been so preoccupied with myself and getting better and it slipped my mind. My grandmothers death, along with other things caused my depression, attempted suicides, and later being diagnosed with BPD. 

I don’t like being here, I hate it. I just want this feeling to pass.

-Kristen

 

Unstable Identity

BPD symptoms can be hard to understand, especially for someone who does not have it, but knows someone who does. So I will be going through each symptom with the definition and giving an example from my perspective, which should hopefully help you, understand it better. In this post Im going to talk about unstable identity. Here is the definition.

Unstable identity
Instead of maintaining a constant sense of self, people with borderline personality disorder tend to adopt values, habits, and attitudes of the people they spend time with.

When I was in high school I was EXTREMELY clingy to any friend that I had, which also caused me to lose friends in the process. When I was this way I would do whatever my friends were doing. An example a friend of mine played basketball, so because she did it, I did it. I had never played a game of basketball in my life, but I had to play because she did.

I also started mimicking different people, using their slang, studying mannerisms, it was a little scary for the person who is on the outside looking in.

Continue reading Unstable Identity