Abandonment

I mentioned in my last post, that I would talk more about abandonment. Abandonment is a HUGE issue with having BPD. I have felt it for 16 years, whether it be real or fantasy. We (as in people with BPD) always feel like we are going to get abandoned by people we care about. So most times we will push people away, then when we do we beg them to come back. Here is the definition that I now have on my BPD Symptoms page

Fears of abandonment
More severe than separation anxiety, abandonment fears occur when a person with borderline personality disorder perceives an upcoming separation, rejection or loss of routine and reacts with intense changes in self-image, manner, thought processes, and behavior. Efforts to avoid abandonment may include self-injury or even attempted suicide.

I have done this MILLIONS of times with people, especially my husband. So for years we have had this tug of war with our marriage, it’s been tough. Another thing with abandonment, if we feel it, and it’s severe, we will go to someone who is paying us attention. Whether it be a friend, or someone of the opposite sex. Most times its the opposite sex. We will look for everything we are not getting from the person we pushed away.

This is what I meant in my Choices and Consequences post. Its a double edge sword, and I fight every day with it. I am hoping with therapy I can get over this irrational fear.

-Kristen