TRIGGER WARNING!!!! If you are in a low place you may want to skip this post.
Suicidal tendencies or self-injury
Multiple suicide attempts or self-injury often provide a large clue toward diagnosis of borderline personality disorder and also help to distinguish the condition when depression and anxiety are also present. Self-destructive behavior generally starts in adolescence when a person is experiencing threats of separation or rejection or is shouldering unwanted new responsibilities.
In this post I will be talking about suicidal tendencies, or self-injury. A lot of people with BPD tend to commit suicide or hurt themselves to relieve emotional pain. I have cut in the past, had 3 suicide thoughts, and had two suicide attempts. Life with BPD is so hard, and very very real. We fight this battle with our emotions every second of every day. Sometimes we get through it, sometimes we can’t and our only option is death. This is not a choice, this is a last resort because the emotions, mood swings, crying, and anger is just too much.
In my teenage years (16-17) I cut my arms, to get away from the emotional pain. If I could distract myself from my emotions, then I was all for cutting. I eventually stopped because the emotions overpowered the physical. When I was 17 I took a bunch of sleeping pills, I was taken by ambulance to the hospital, had my stomach pumped and went home. I had one therapy session and that was it. This is when my depression got worse.
After I met my husband (then boyfriend) we would break up and get back together a million different times. Every time we did I wanted to die, I felt unwanted and rejected. this is when I took a knife and thought about suicide, but eventually we got back together.
My second suicide attempt happened June 7th, 2014. I was in the bathroom and had a razor to my wrist, I was ready to go, I couldn’t take the pain. My husband took me to a mental hospital and I was advised to find a psychiatrist, and I did.
My third suicide attempt, was last week. I had two emotional breakdowns, I was so angry, I cried hysterically, and found myself in the bathroom again with a razor, I was so close, until my daughter knocked on the door. I snapped out of it. I didnt want my girls to find me like that.
Now here I am.
The reason I am writing all of this is because this illness is so hard SO SO HARD! And if you are reading this you may have been where I am. We fight every day, even when we’re exhausted.
Im not back to my “normal” self yet but every day it gets a little better. I hate being in this place, but I am determined to get out of it.