I had a panic attack 2 days ago, still recovering

That’s right, I did, in Las Vegas no less, at a Cheesecake Factory. It kind of came out of nowhere, but there were events leading up to it.

I scheduled a meet-up back in October, had a bunch of people sign up, only two showed up. I was anxious before, thought I was fine after the fact but later that night, I had one of the worse panic attacks I’ve ever had.

I got really dizzy and felt like I was falling. I then felt like I was going to projectile vomit, and went to the bathroom, with my husband’s help, but didn’t vomit.

I came back to the table still feeling like I was in one of those rides where your hands and feet are tied and it goes in a circle in various directions. It wouldn’t stop, the only way it helped was when I was walking, and even then I wasn’t much better.

Went back to the hotel that night and I passed out, woke up and we came home, and I was still exhausted, hell I still am.

It takes a lot to come back from a panic attack, physically. It takes a toll on your body, and the only thing you can do is rest. I’m hoping by the time this weekend is over I’ll be better

BPD Awareness Month

May is BPD awareness month, its important that people know what BPD, and hot affects millions of people everyday.

What is BPD? – https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/borderline-personality-disorder/index.shtml

11 tips For Spotting BPD In Yourself – https://www.bustle.com/p/11-little-tips-for-spotting-borderline-personality-disorder-in-yourself-54305

I have a video explaining my BPD

Spread the awareness around!

Hello….

I feel like I’ve walked into an abounded house. I haven’t updated since October and a lot has happened.

December 5th I lost my grandmother, December 11th was her memorial. It was also the day I sprained the hell out of my ankle, it still isnt 100%

February fucking sucked because it was the anniversary of my friends death, and my grandmothers birthday which was February 2nd.

I hate that month and will forever wish it would skip to March.

So lets get into the now. How am I?  Im good I have my days when im fine, I have my days when im not, its unpredictable and it can be tough.

Im alone during the day and I hate the quiet, so I will do instagram streams a lot so I dont feel alone.

The quiet also give me a lot of anxiety, so I try to stay busy so It’s not too bad.

Most days I am good, which I cant complain about. My only goal is to make sure I dont cry, if I don’t its a good day.

Since my last update….

  • I lost my job
  • I was partnered on my youtube channel
  • I seem to be doing better (emotionally)
  • Im taking my meds
  • I hardly drink wine anymore
  • Im learning more and more not to give a fuck what people think
  • My moods are good
  • I have bad days and good days, mostly good
  • 33 is already better than 32
  • I dont feel 33
  • I need to start job hunting again
  • Im not sleeping the best. maybe 3 nights a week are good
  • I haven’t really practiced self care
  • Sometimes it feels like its hard to
  • Thats basically it

33

Tomorrow is my 33rd birthday. It doesn’t feel like my birthday is coming, it feels like any other day *kanye shrug*

I will say this year was a better year for me, mentally. I got stable on my meds and didnt have a lot of mood swings, then July came…..

I was very angry for a lot of July, and I dont know why? Thats BPD for you

Late July I got a job, and had to have my anxiety/anger meds upped back to 600, and they’ve been working for me so far. I feel drunk when I take them but I’m still getting sued to them.

With working Im always busy, when I’m not working I’m doing other shit, to keep me busy so I dont have racing thoughts. I’ll admit I’ve had them a few times this summer, but nothing to make me do anything drastic, which is huge.

I do want 33 to be bettie than 32 and especially 31. I just want to manage and get through the day.

The Year of NO!

When I was first diagnosed with BPD, it took me a while to tell people, for a couple of reasons

  1. The stigma
  2. Being treated differently
  3. People just not caring

Well I did tell people and, shit never really changed, and I got frustrated. But instead of telling people my frustrations, I just went along, until it gave me anxiety. This went on until late 2015. I was diagnosed mid 2015, so imagine all this damn anxiety over peoples selfishness.

When 2016 hit I made a vow to myself to tell people “NO!”No is a complete sentence, it doesn’t need an explanation, if I tell you No, dont ask me why, just respect that.

Telling people no will save your sanity. Telling people no is ok to take care of you. Its perfectly fine to be selfish and say “no, I’m not doing this” “no, I’m not going there”

If I tell you no, I’m not doing it to be rude (because people tend to think about everything is about them) I am telling you no, because my mental health is more important than you. You may think thats wrong, and thats why Im saying no, because you cant see why me saying “no” is ok.

Saying “no” to people this year has made some people mad at me, resent me, and thats fine. That lets me know exactly how you feel about me.

I will not say “yes” to you to make YOU happy when in return makes me miserable.

Me being able to function, is more important, You can respect that, or don’t. I just wont be around while you pout.

Writing My Story

I’ve been wanting to put my whole BPD, depression, and anxiety story on paper for so long, but it wasnt the right time. Now is the right time for me to do that since is been 2 years since my diagnosis.

I bought this pack of notebooks that have Chapter 1-3 on them and I thought they would be great for my story. Each chapter will be

  • Before Diagnosis
  • During Diagnosis – Year 1
  • After Diagnosis – Year 2

 

IMG_2900

The reason I want to write this down is to reflect. Sure I have a blog, but having a physical copy is refreshing to me. Once I am done, I will do snippets in blog posts, so you can get an idea. Maybe one day I’ll blog the entire book, but its not on my radar right now.

I know writing this will be hard, but once I get it all out it will be worth it.