I had a panic attack 2 days ago, still recovering

That’s right, I did, in Las Vegas no less, at a Cheesecake Factory. It kind of came out of nowhere, but there were events leading up to it.

I scheduled a meet-up back in October, had a bunch of people sign up, only two showed up. I was anxious before, thought I was fine after the fact but later that night, I had one of the worse panic attacks I’ve ever had.

I got really dizzy and felt like I was falling. I then felt like I was going to projectile vomit, and went to the bathroom, with my husband’s help, but didn’t vomit.

I came back to the table still feeling like I was in one of those rides where your hands and feet are tied and it goes in a circle in various directions. It wouldn’t stop, the only way it helped was when I was walking, and even then I wasn’t much better.

Went back to the hotel that night and I passed out, woke up and we came home, and I was still exhausted, hell I still am.

It takes a lot to come back from a panic attack, physically. It takes a toll on your body, and the only thing you can do is rest. I’m hoping by the time this weekend is over I’ll be better

BPD Awareness Month

May is BPD awareness month, its important that people know what BPD, and hot affects millions of people everyday.

What is BPD? – https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/borderline-personality-disorder/index.shtml

11 tips For Spotting BPD In Yourself – https://www.bustle.com/p/11-little-tips-for-spotting-borderline-personality-disorder-in-yourself-54305

I have a video explaining my BPD

Spread the awareness around!

Hello….

I feel like I’ve walked into an abounded house. I haven’t updated since October and a lot has happened.

December 5th I lost my grandmother, December 11th was her memorial. It was also the day I sprained the hell out of my ankle, it still isnt 100%

February fucking sucked because it was the anniversary of my friends death, and my grandmothers birthday which was February 2nd.

I hate that month and will forever wish it would skip to March.

So lets get into the now. How am I?  Im good I have my days when im fine, I have my days when im not, its unpredictable and it can be tough.

Im alone during the day and I hate the quiet, so I will do instagram streams a lot so I dont feel alone.

The quiet also give me a lot of anxiety, so I try to stay busy so It’s not too bad.

Most days I am good, which I cant complain about. My only goal is to make sure I dont cry, if I don’t its a good day.

Since my last update….

  • I lost my job
  • I was partnered on my youtube channel
  • I seem to be doing better (emotionally)
  • Im taking my meds
  • I hardly drink wine anymore
  • Im learning more and more not to give a fuck what people think
  • My moods are good
  • I have bad days and good days, mostly good
  • 33 is already better than 32
  • I dont feel 33
  • I need to start job hunting again
  • Im not sleeping the best. maybe 3 nights a week are good
  • I haven’t really practiced self care
  • Sometimes it feels like its hard to
  • Thats basically it

33

Tomorrow is my 33rd birthday. It doesn’t feel like my birthday is coming, it feels like any other day *kanye shrug*

I will say this year was a better year for me, mentally. I got stable on my meds and didnt have a lot of mood swings, then July came…..

I was very angry for a lot of July, and I dont know why? Thats BPD for you

Late July I got a job, and had to have my anxiety/anger meds upped back to 600, and they’ve been working for me so far. I feel drunk when I take them but I’m still getting sued to them.

With working Im always busy, when I’m not working I’m doing other shit, to keep me busy so I dont have racing thoughts. I’ll admit I’ve had them a few times this summer, but nothing to make me do anything drastic, which is huge.

I do want 33 to be bettie than 32 and especially 31. I just want to manage and get through the day.

The Year of NO!

When I was first diagnosed with BPD, it took me a while to tell people, for a couple of reasons

  1. The stigma
  2. Being treated differently
  3. People just not caring

Well I did tell people and, shit never really changed, and I got frustrated. But instead of telling people my frustrations, I just went along, until it gave me anxiety. This went on until late 2015. I was diagnosed mid 2015, so imagine all this damn anxiety over peoples selfishness.

When 2016 hit I made a vow to myself to tell people “NO!”No is a complete sentence, it doesn’t need an explanation, if I tell you No, dont ask me why, just respect that.

Telling people no will save your sanity. Telling people no is ok to take care of you. Its perfectly fine to be selfish and say “no, I’m not doing this” “no, I’m not going there”

If I tell you no, I’m not doing it to be rude (because people tend to think about everything is about them) I am telling you no, because my mental health is more important than you. You may think thats wrong, and thats why Im saying no, because you cant see why me saying “no” is ok.

Saying “no” to people this year has made some people mad at me, resent me, and thats fine. That lets me know exactly how you feel about me.

I will not say “yes” to you to make YOU happy when in return makes me miserable.

Me being able to function, is more important, You can respect that, or don’t. I just wont be around while you pout.

Writing My Story

I’ve been wanting to put my whole BPD, depression, and anxiety story on paper for so long, but it wasnt the right time. Now is the right time for me to do that since is been 2 years since my diagnosis.

I bought this pack of notebooks that have Chapter 1-3 on them and I thought they would be great for my story. Each chapter will be

  • Before Diagnosis
  • During Diagnosis – Year 1
  • After Diagnosis – Year 2

 

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The reason I want to write this down is to reflect. Sure I have a blog, but having a physical copy is refreshing to me. Once I am done, I will do snippets in blog posts, so you can get an idea. Maybe one day I’ll blog the entire book, but its not on my radar right now.

I know writing this will be hard, but once I get it all out it will be worth it.

Organizing My Life To Control My Mental Health

Before I hit my 2 year mark of being diagnosed, I knew I needed to get my life in order. If my life is in order then my mental health will be in check. This was important. I need to be able to function, stay productive, which means being organized.

I took a look in my planner and said “no, this isn’t going to work anymore” what I was looking at were things I needed to do, but it was disorganized, so I needed to rectify the situation.

I got myself another planner, an hourly one. I knew exactly what I would use this for before I got it. A routine planner. It’s important to have a routine, but even more important when you deal with mental illness.

So I jotted down a routine on some paper and switched things around to make things work. I knew some things didnt make sense being right after each other, so I re-organized it. Now I have a system and it works. Heres what it is

  • Work – anything blog/social media/youtube related
  • Self Care (SUPER IMPORTANT) and self care is perfect to come after work, so my brain can relax
  • Employment – looking for a part time job, so I can get out of the house
  • Tidy up – any small cleaning around the house

And my evenings are pretty much free to do whatever I want/need to do. It’s whatever is on my mind and I go from there. The problem before is I wasnt scheduling any time for me! Always schedule some time for you, its important.

So with the routine, my mental health has been good. My moods don’t change as drastically, and my anxiety is at an all time low! Im glad, I’m good, and thats all I can ask for.

New Layout, New Content

I’ve changed the layout of my site, it was due. I like it, its simple.

Now as for content. I will always post about mental health my goal is to always bring awareness. But as you’ve noticed lately, I’ve included some others elements of my life such as my family and other person things that have nothing to do with mental health.

Even though I have 3 mental illnesses doesn’t mean I don’t have an actual life. I do “normal” things like anyone else, I just have to approach them differently, to make myself more comfortable in any situation.

My goal is to just function and get through a day, one minute at a time.

So you’ll see my mental health posts, but there will be others posts as well.

That Borderline Life – A 2 Year Update

Well well well here we are two years later, and I must say its been a ride. I say this in my update video, and I also say I wouldn’t trade it for anything because I wouldn’t be who I am without all the bullshit I had to go through.

June 20th, 2014 I was diagnosed with BPD, Depression, and Social Anxiety Disorder. At first I was anxious about all of this, how do I deal? What meds am I gonna take? I have to see a therapist? It was a lot of questions, not enough answers.

But after getting situated with a therapist and a psychologist I was on the right path. I saw a therapist up until September of last year. Case of the overbooked and understaffed. It’s fine, I’m good.

I now see my psychologist every 6 months for a med update, which is good. My meds have me stable, and I’m able to function, I can’t complain.

Do I still have my mood swings? ABSOLUTELY! Meds aren’t a cure. I have to do the work myself, and I think a lot of people dont realize this. You can take all the meds, see all the doctors, but if you don’t actually try to be better by researching, and figuring out self -care, you wont change.

When I was first diagnosed, I was obsessed with being cured. It wasn’t an unrealistic goal, but it drove me crazy, and made me worse. I took a step back, did some re-evaluating, and realized I just want to function. If that means thing meds unit he day I die, then so be it.

As I type this, I must say I am in a really good place mentally. My head is clear, I have good distractions, I’m productive, my relationships are good, and I’m energized. I cant ask for anything more.

My goal is just to stay on this path, and learn to deal with the mood swings as they come.